The parenting community on the internet has been abuzz with the Huffpost article titled "The 5 Reasons Why Modern Parenting is in Crisis." http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5552527
Then there was this response: http://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/07/07/5-reasons-modern-day-parenting-is-in-crisis-according-to-a-british-mother/ and this one: http://www.brandiehadfield.com/#!My-response-to-Modern-Day-Parenting-in-Crisis/ctu0/C20C2D94-EB56-4F6A-8AF6-BC3086CDB030 and this one: http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2014/07/5-alternative-reasons-modern-day-parenting-is-in-crisis/
There were points I liked in the original article and parts that made me cringe. Or maybe it was the approach.
D and I are gentle/ positive parents, but far from permissive. Sometimes we don't always respond perfectly. Sometimes we've messed up (I can tell those stories another time). Sometimes Juniper (2.5) can be a brat. Most times it is my fault.
The first scenario the nanny mentions can be easily avoided by giving the child a choice on which cup they want to drink from. Tantrums can largely be prevented by communicating with our children and understanding age appropriate needs/ responses. It is understanding the root of the tantrum. A 2 yo wants to be in control of their cup color. It takes very little effort to ask "pink or yellow cup for milk?" Children want to assert independence and control that they can't always effectively communicate. Teach your child effective communication. Say "Hey, I hear you want the pink cup. Mommy poured your milk into the yellow cup. Can we use this cup right now and the punk cup next time?" Or "Mommy needs to hear you ask nicely for the pink cup. Can you say 'Mommy can you please pour my milk into the pink cup instead?" The point she made was that some parents parent out of fear - absolutely that is wrong. We shouldn't fear anyone's reaction. We should parent from love. Ignoring a child in a meltdown doesn't teach them to communicate effectively and if doesn't show love. It shoes that they get ignored when they communicate in the only way they know how.
The second point she makes is the lowered bar. Yes, we can expect more from our children when we help them navigate situations and understand age appropriate behaviour. Want a child to sit through a dinner - talk to them about expectations beforehand. Make it fun and special for them. Preparation is key to pretty much everything. Hours before a dinner out, I will tell Juniper "Tonight we are going for dinner at a restaurant. We are going to have tasty food. You can have chocolate milk, if you want. We need to remember our manners when we eat at restaurants. What do you think a good manner at a restaurant is?" At the restaurant, I make a big deal out of choosing her own meal. I make sure she is included in the conversation (I act like an ass when people talk over me and exclude me too). We go for a walk to wash our hands and look at the art. We play eyespy. I don't expect her to sit in complete silence while adults talk over her about boring things. Preparation goes a long way. So does anticipation of behaviours. Don't take your kid out to eat when they are tired or normally have active play. Don't take them somewhere dark and loud. And when it goes to shit, get the food packed up and head home. Try again next time.
The third point is the loss of village. I agree with Sarah's response to this. Villages shouldn't be disciplining (I hate that word as much as "punish") - we should be directing children and supporting parents. I have a group of women (and their kids) that we regularly spend time with. If a kid is throwing rocks at the park, one of us jumps in and says "Buddy, do you think you could play with the rocks by making piles instead of throwing? What do you think happens when rocks hit your friends? Remember, we don't throw rocks because we can hurt someone." He throws rocks again - "It looks like you don't want to play nicely with the rocks. You hurt Juni when you through rocks at her. Let's go play with sidewalk chalk for a little while. Maybe we can draw shapes like last week." A hell of a lot more effective in avoiding a meltdown and encouraging positive behaviour than "Don't throw rocks! I told you not to throw rocks! If you throw them one more time we are leaving!" Villages need to be there for supporting moms who are stressed out, kids who need to run off energy... We all have shitty days. Like the nanny said at the end, we should say supportive things to each other more often. Like "It was really impressive how you helped your child through that meltdown. I know how hard it is to be patient and kind when you are frustrated."
The fourth was all good until self-soothing. No, babies don't need to self-soothe. No one should self-soothe. Crying alone feels awful at any age. When I am upset, I don't want to be left alone to self-soothe. I want D to hug me and validate my feelings. Go to them. Go to them a million times. There is a difference between fussing and crying though. Yes, I let my kids fuss so I can take a pee or eat a sandwich for a couple minutes, but there is no way I will let my child cry without holding them. I will pick up my toddler if she reaches for me. I don't rush over the moment she is hurt and I wait for her response before projecting mine on her. The moment she reaches or calls for me, I am picking her up. I want her to know that when she she needs me, I will be there. I will be there for the little things. I will be there for the big things. I want my kids to know to turn to me and not try to do things on their own. The nanny talks about shortcuts and I view "self-soothing" as just that. It isn't active parenting. Any of those child training methods are shortcuts. Effective, maybe. Best practice, maybe not. For example, if you want a pair of shoes and can't afford them the quickest easiest way is to steal them. The most effective way is to save hard earned money and purchase them. In the long run, you learn more life skills by the later choice.
Neither a child nor a parents needs should come first. It should be the needs of the family as a whole. There are both selfless and selfish parents who need a reality check. It comes down to being fulfilled so you can fulfill the needs of your children. A mom who gets alone time and support from her partner is going to parent better than the mom who only ever thinks about the needs of others. We are not slaves anymore than our children are obedient companions. We can teach patience with kindness - "I hear that you want something to drink because you are thirsty. We can get something to drink as soon as we pass the next fountain. Where do you think a fountain might be?" It is also fine to expect an older child to wait for a drink for a couple minutes without melting down, but for a 2 yo, you might need to be a little more urgent. And really, if a 2 yo has a meltdown because they are thirsty - is it their fault or the adult's fault for not being prepared? Adults have patience and control over their needs, small children don't. They rely on us to provide. It is about asking yourself about the role you played in your child's meltdown.
The biggest piss-off about the original article is that it was written by someone who is supposed to be a child professional. Yes, modern parents might be doing things different than generations past - but we don't live in the same world. If past generations were doing things so wonderfully, why are we trying to do things differently? We have nannies instead of having a community of stay-at-home moms or the whole family working together. We are trying to create kindness and compassion in a harsh world. We expect support and guidance, not judgement from those professionals with whom we entrust our most precious creations. We look to you for tips and tools on managing and preventing tantrums and raising future citizens. We are looking for the village. I don't want someone in my village who claims I am a part of a modern crisis. Stay right the fuck out of my village. My village might be full of heathens, but at least we don't have sticks up our arses.
I, personally, believe parenting is more effective when approached from kindness, compassion and respect rather than control and discipline. I don't want obedient children. Obedient children = adults who don't know how to stand up for themselves. They are the ones in emotionally abusive relationships because love has always been combined with control. They are the ones who who plug away at an unfulfilling job. I want respectful, kind, confident, strong-willed, brilliant, self-aware children even when it isn't convinent for me.
My strong-willed, highly inconvenient child.
Loved your responses!
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