A letter to my children...

A letter to my children (ages 8 weeks & 2 years):

Someday, you will be grown and I will be old. For now, I watch you while you sleep wondering what future you dream of. I will rub my nose against your furry bald head, stroke my hand against your chubby cheeks and take in your new person smell. I will cherish your many kisses and hold your hand as we walk together exploring the world. Your emerging smiles will make me grin. You will dance, sing nursery rhymes and make me giggle when you parrot my phrases. We will bake cookies, make messes, blow bubbles, and watch bugs. I will kiss your ouchies, wipe tears and hold you tight. Even when my back aches, I will carry you feeling your heart beating against mine. I will feed you from my breast while staring into your eyes contemplating their final color. We will read my favourite stories and watch them become your own. When you fall asleep in the truck, on the couch or even the floor, I will carry you in my arms to bed feeling your body melt into mine. Years from now, I won't remember the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, tantrums, or worries. I will be the old lady at the grocery store telling the new parents, tired and worn to the bone, to cherish every moment before it is gone and enjoy them while they are so small - when all they really want is 3 hours of consecutive sleep. There will be days for sport practise, first crushes, driving cars, weddings... For now, I will watch you while you sleep and try to soak it all in. Someday, when you are grown and I am old - this is what I will miss the most. 

All the single ladies...

I blog from my own perspective - I am in a hetero-marriage. I am a stay-at-home mom with a gainfully employed spouse. I share a house in the 'burbs of a big Canadian city with 2 kids (a boy and girl), 2 dogs and a husband. We are the modern NUCLEAR FAMILY. I do not blog to alienate those in other kinds of families. I listen to your stories, but I don't know your perspectives. I am not you. Please, write your own blogs and openly share your experiences because there are enough people like me. 

Here is my tribute to you...

Single mamas, this is a shout out to you. Single daddies, solo parents, travelling parents, step-parents, lost child parents, parents of atypical kids, queer parents, poly-parents...you too. You are the parents the world likes to pretend don't exist. Well, you do and I know you! 

Single Mamas:

Whether you got to your alone and fabulous state because of divorce, a "whoops" or because you chose to have a baby alone, you aren't invisible to me. You are there playing all roles for your kiddo most (or all the time). Dad might be involved some or none of the time. You struggle to find balance when you are everyone. Mamas, you are doing alright. No, your kid won't be messed up because they don't have a male influence. They will be alright because they got you. Mother's Day usually comes and goes without someone making sure your kid knows to do something nice for you. Well, I can't send you all flowers or make you breakfast in bed - but thanks, from us kids.

Single Daddies:

Maybe you co-parent with mom and have the kids every second week or on weekends. Some of you have the kids most of the time. There are some of you with sole custody because mom bailed. Everyone thinks you are fumbling because you aren't a "Mom." Screw them. Dad, you are alright. Sure, ponytails aren't perfect and lunch doesn't contain a perfect balance of all the food groups - but those things are over-rated. You give killer hugs, tell the best stories in the dark and make the best coach. You are working with mom to co-parent. You don't want to be the stereotypical deadbeat. Dad, you are doing a good job. High-five. 

Solo parents: Oil wives, military spouses, trucker families, etc. You mostly live the life of the single parent - but then your partner comes home to mess up routine and make you second guess all of the parenting decisions you've made on your own. They leave, your relationship gets put on pause. You deal with the loneliness, the kids adjusting to an in-out parent, trying to be intimate over Skype... You're doing the best you can for your family. You really are. Your ability to adapt and go with flow will teach your kids the same thing. They will be flexible and spontaneous - the best kids of people. 

Travelling parents: The partners of the solo parents. You come and go. When you are home, you play catch up. You make up for lost time the best you can. Sometimes, your kids aren't sure what role yiu play and don't always respect you as a parent. Relationships are hard when you are away more often than you are home. You jam 2 weeks into 4 days. The time away is spent in oil camps, hotel rooms, base camps looking over photos of your loved ones while you drift off to sleep alone. They miss you because you matter. It might not always feel like you have a role when you are home, but you really do. They worry about getting too attached because when you are away, it hurts. You are doing what you need to do to feed your family and that is okay. They love you. 

Step-parents: You ended up a parent of a kid that isn't your blood because you got hitched. The kid isn't quite sure what they think about you. They might be with you full-time or just on weekends. You aren't their "real mom." They don't respect you. You can't discipline. No one wants to hear your two-sense about how to deal with the kids in your house. Well, you are brave. Trust me, their behaviour has very little to do with you and everything to do with testing boundaries. Stay strong. They will love you and thank you one day. 

Lost-child parents: Adoption moms, miscarriage/ abortion moms, parents of a dead child - you have a emptiness that others don't always understand. Your loss will always be felt in your soul. People always say the wrong thing instead of the right. You want someone to acknowledge, not downplay your loss or your choice. Your life will never be the same. Heal and carry-on in whatever way you need to. Be honest with those close to you about your experience and your pain - even if it takes a lifetime. In the quietness of your loss, you are strong. Very strong. 

Parents of atypical kids: Your kid might be fighting an illness, maybe you are an autism mom or your kid is diagnosed with ADHD. The world loves to weigh in on why your kid is the way they are and what you could be doing better. I'm sorry. Your kids aren't typical. You are finding peace in the struggle. Some days it is really hard and you want to run away (that happens with parents of typical kids too). You know your kids and are doing good by them. You fight harder than any other parents I know. Your kids are beyond lucky to have you fighting on their team. 

Queer parents: You have the most interesting stories on your way to parenthood. Some of you were in hetero marriages. Some of you found donors. Some of you adopted. All of you have more eyes watching than any other parents I know. People make the strangest assumptions about your families. They assume your kids won't have a male or female influence - because that matters. You tend to make up the most educated, kind, aware parents I have ever met. Same-sex couples don't have an "oops" and become parents - you made the conscious choice. I like your kids. 

Poly-parents: The world doesn't want to acknowledge you exist. When they do, they think religious cult instead of cool people raising their kids together in an open relationship. You communicate better than most other relationships - we can learn from you. Your kids have more loving hands on deck and we all know the more caring adults in a kids life equals a more confident child. The webs of your relationships strengthen your children. Your stories on the road to joined parenthood are some of the most interesting out there. Don't hide in the shadows. Tell your stories and be proud of your unique relationships. 

Mother's Day was created to honor Ann Reeves Jarvis, a social activist and community builder who spent her life trying to better the lives of poor & sick mothers and their children. The day is about honouring primary care-givers (mothers or not) and making the world better for those who raise children. The holiday was to honor activists who help struggling parents. In lieu of (or addition to) gifts for yourself, take time to make the world better for a struggling family. Take time to listen to the stories of parents in situations different from your own. Give them a hug and thank them for doing a good job. Mother the world. 

Holy motherhood, Batman.

Mothers' Day is fast approaching and it has me thinking about views on motherhood. Brace yourself, ladies, this ride is going to get bumpy. The women/ mother on a pedestal thing always irritates me. Not just in a religious sense, but a feminist/ societal sense. Here is why:

1. Religion. I would like to start by examining the ancient religious belief that motherhood is the holiest of callings. Judeo-Christian religions believe in bringing many children into the house of God. I can quote religious texts, but really, anyone who has stepped into a mosque or church knows this is a common belief. Let's move on. Hooray, you can breed! The mother role in religion ignores the women who can't/ don't want to be mothers. Is their calling so much less than mine? To quote a friend, "As a Christian  woman, my highest calling is not to be a mother. My highest calling is to be more like Christ. This is also the highest calling of Christian men." Amen, sister. 

2. Media. Yes, moms are pretty great...but so are dads. Media would like us to believe that moms have their shit together and dad is basically another child. He is the Homer Simpson. He is fat, lazy, likes sports, drinks beer, and only interacts with his kids when his wife nags. Can we stop this portrayal please? Bring back the Full House men! Bring back Dr Huxtable! Where are those dads? Dads have value too. When we put mom on a pedestal, we ignore dads and we continue to perpetuate the "idiot father" role that is so prevalent in media. He doesn't know what to do or have value because he is "just dad." It lets those men who really just wanted to get laid and not parent off the hook. It allows them to be "just dad" instead of being a parent. It makes moms who do 90% of the work because of those dead-beat dad feel alone in their parenting journey. Those dad's deserve a kick in the junk. For the most part (at least in my circle), dads want to be there for their kids. They don't always have great role models or know exactly what to do. More on dad's later. 

3. Politics and history. We won the vote in Canada because women/ mothers were supposed to bring a moral kindness to government. Because, you know, women/ mothers are more moral than men/ fathers. That was a common view 100 years ago...can we please not move on? Women can be awful and horribly immoral. You know all those fucked up criminals/ psychopaths/ politicians out there? What do you think their moms are like? 

4. Hardest job. My paternal grandmother has 13 biological children. 13! Out of her vagina! If you asked her what the hardest job in the world was, I bet you she wouldn't have said "mother." My maternal grandmother raised 5 kids (she had 7 total) in a farm house with no running water, indoor plumbing or central heat in rural Alberta. I've never heard her talk about raising kids like she was a martyr. They did what they did because that is just what you did back then. Simple. 

I can tell you that motherhood has changed me in ways I was to prepared for. I had a traumatic birth with my daughter that lead to anxiety. My husband and I took months to navigate being a couple while being parents (we are doing it all over again right now). There are days when I get frustrated, irritated, touched out. My body is different. I also get to spend my days snuggling my favorite people. I get to be silly and relive all my favorite things from being a kid. I get to make Playdough. I have been able to partake in the amazing things my body can do...like make milk!

Yes, it is hard to be a mom. You get tired, barfed on, touched out, blah, blah, blah... Okay, ladies, lets be real. Being a modern mom isn't as hard as Facebook memes want everyone to believe.I have 2 kids. Because I have access to birth control, knowing that marital rape is wrong and not being married as a teenager. My house has power and running water. I don't have to lug gallons of water from the lake, scrape soap to make detergent, chop wood, and get blisters just to do a load of laundry. I open the door of my laundry room and shove my kids poop clothes into our lovely brand-new stacked Whirlpool washer and dryer - leaving me plenty of time to check my Facebook while my angels nap. Guess what, I didn't have to cut the head off or pluck the feathers off the chicken we ate for dinner tonight. I didn't tend a garden for our vegetables either. My house is a mess because I choose to watch a hour of cartoons with my 2 year old while knitting instead of washing the floors and not because I really didn't have the time. I have the exact same hours in a day that my grandmothers did. They also did a hell of a lot more than I do. I have never once ironed my sheets or tea towels. I play more than they ever did, but I also slack off a lot more. Exhibit A, I am writing a blog at 1 am while eating girl guide cookies. 

I also suck at being a mom sometimes. I let my toddler watch YouTube videos so I can sleep in. I feed her McDonalds because I am too lazy to actually make lunch. I let my newborn sleep in a dirty diaper so I can pee and shower because I know when I change him that he will wake up and I hate nursing with a full bladder. I yell when I get mad. I bribe with candy to make life easier sometimes. I have faults. Know why? I am a frickin' human being and not some mothering angel sent from heaven. I am a normal person who sort of sucks at their job sometimes. The job still gets done. I consider it a successful day if the kids are fed, relatively clean and not on fire...

Being a mom is hard. So are lots of other things. You know how when you think something is going to hurt, so it hurts more than if you just thought it would be fine? Motherhood is like that too. If we talked about the joys instead of how tired we were - maybe it wouldn't seem so hard? Maybe then we wouldn't be martyrs of our own making?

5. Ignoring dad. Other than growing the child, birthing and breastfeeding - dad's can basically do everything moms can do. Why do we pretend this isn't true? Dad can kiss boo-boos. He can give baths, change diapers, drive you to soccer, cook dinner, make ponytails.... Why is his calling to be a parent less than mine? Why does Walmart not have a "Father of the year" award that includes a makeover? Oh right, because only Mom becomes frumpy and tired after having kids. 

I will rave and rave about my husband as a father. He is truly the "modern dad." D would love to stay at home with the kiddos, but he owns a business and literally makes 3 times the amount of money that I did when working. Right now, he is working his ass off for our family. Yes, he isn't here for the 8-4 shift with the kids. Instead, he is bringing home the bacon so I can be here for that shift and you know, feed the kids. He LOVES being Daddy. Today, was a particular shitty one for him at work. He snuck home at lunch for a quick visit because he needed to be cheered up. Our 2 yo cried at the door because she didn't want a Daddy to go to work. This is the text I got when he went back to work, "I'll tell you those hugs from my little girl sure make the rest of my shit days seem pretty irrelevant. She's a sweet kid, couldn't love her any more! Love you too..." He rubbed my back during pregnancy and dealt with my crazy train of hormones. He was there for my labors and births. It was him who first held our daughter after the c-section. During my labor with our son, it was him that held my legs up during pushing and told me I was doing great. It was him that carried on like nothing happened when I barfed on him during both labors. During restless nights, he takes over and sends me to sleep as he snuggles our babies. He changes diapers, makes sure there is milk in the fridge, wakes up early on weekends, plays tea party, worries when the kids have a weird cough...it is him that equal parents. It is him that gets none of the recognition or praise that I get over our sweet babies. It is Dad who is left without recognition. 

I love being a mom. I really do. I understand the intention to honor women and mothers. The reality is that not all women are mothers, not all women love mothering and not all mothers are good mothers (seriously, let's stop pretending as if all moms are good moms. There are shitty moms out there. We know some of them. Their choices suck and their kids are going to suck because of it). As much as I love mothering, I love other roles I've held too. To be put on a holy pedestal because of one role and one aspect of my life - especially when that ideology ignores my partner - doesn't sit well with me. 

So, this Mother's Day, while you honor the love and sacrifices of the mothers out there, lets do the greatest service to them and remember them as women outside of mothering too. Say "thank you" without putting them on a pedestal. Appreciate them for having flaws, making mistakes and still raising you to be an alright person. 

And please, don't put me on a pedestal. I have horrible balance.