1. Religion. I would like to start by examining the ancient religious belief that motherhood is the holiest of callings. Judeo-Christian religions believe in bringing many children into the house of God. I can quote religious texts, but really, anyone who has stepped into a mosque or church knows this is a common belief. Let's move on. Hooray, you can breed! The mother role in religion ignores the women who can't/ don't want to be mothers. Is their calling so much less than mine? To quote a friend, "As a Christian woman, my highest calling is not to be a mother. My highest calling is to be more like Christ. This is also the highest calling of Christian men." Amen, sister.
2. Media. Yes, moms are pretty great...but so are dads. Media would like us to believe that moms have their shit together and dad is basically another child. He is the Homer Simpson. He is fat, lazy, likes sports, drinks beer, and only interacts with his kids when his wife nags. Can we stop this portrayal please? Bring back the Full House men! Bring back Dr Huxtable! Where are those dads? Dads have value too. When we put mom on a pedestal, we ignore dads and we continue to perpetuate the "idiot father" role that is so prevalent in media. He doesn't know what to do or have value because he is "just dad." It lets those men who really just wanted to get laid and not parent off the hook. It allows them to be "just dad" instead of being a parent. It makes moms who do 90% of the work because of those dead-beat dad feel alone in their parenting journey. Those dad's deserve a kick in the junk. For the most part (at least in my circle), dads want to be there for their kids. They don't always have great role models or know exactly what to do. More on dad's later.
3. Politics and history. We won the vote in Canada because women/ mothers were supposed to bring a moral kindness to government. Because, you know, women/ mothers are more moral than men/ fathers. That was a common view 100 years ago...can we please not move on? Women can be awful and horribly immoral. You know all those fucked up criminals/ psychopaths/ politicians out there? What do you think their moms are like?
4. Hardest job. My paternal grandmother has 13 biological children. 13! Out of her vagina! If you asked her what the hardest job in the world was, I bet you she wouldn't have said "mother." My maternal grandmother raised 5 kids (she had 7 total) in a farm house with no running water, indoor plumbing or central heat in rural Alberta. I've never heard her talk about raising kids like she was a martyr. They did what they did because that is just what you did back then. Simple.
I can tell you that motherhood has changed me in ways I was to prepared for. I had a traumatic birth with my daughter that lead to anxiety. My husband and I took months to navigate being a couple while being parents (we are doing it all over again right now). There are days when I get frustrated, irritated, touched out. My body is different. I also get to spend my days snuggling my favorite people. I get to be silly and relive all my favorite things from being a kid. I get to make Playdough. I have been able to partake in the amazing things my body can do...like make milk!
Yes, it is hard to be a mom. You get tired, barfed on, touched out, blah, blah, blah... Okay, ladies, lets be real. Being a modern mom isn't as hard as Facebook memes want everyone to believe.I have 2 kids. Because I have access to birth control, knowing that marital rape is wrong and not being married as a teenager. My house has power and running water. I don't have to lug gallons of water from the lake, scrape soap to make detergent, chop wood, and get blisters just to do a load of laundry. I open the door of my laundry room and shove my kids poop clothes into our lovely brand-new stacked Whirlpool washer and dryer - leaving me plenty of time to check my Facebook while my angels nap. Guess what, I didn't have to cut the head off or pluck the feathers off the chicken we ate for dinner tonight. I didn't tend a garden for our vegetables either. My house is a mess because I choose to watch a hour of cartoons with my 2 year old while knitting instead of washing the floors and not because I really didn't have the time. I have the exact same hours in a day that my grandmothers did. They also did a hell of a lot more than I do. I have never once ironed my sheets or tea towels. I play more than they ever did, but I also slack off a lot more. Exhibit A, I am writing a blog at 1 am while eating girl guide cookies.
I also suck at being a mom sometimes. I let my toddler watch YouTube videos so I can sleep in. I feed her McDonalds because I am too lazy to actually make lunch. I let my newborn sleep in a dirty diaper so I can pee and shower because I know when I change him that he will wake up and I hate nursing with a full bladder. I yell when I get mad. I bribe with candy to make life easier sometimes. I have faults. Know why? I am a frickin' human being and not some mothering angel sent from heaven. I am a normal person who sort of sucks at their job sometimes. The job still gets done. I consider it a successful day if the kids are fed, relatively clean and not on fire...
Being a mom is hard. So are lots of other things. You know how when you think something is going to hurt, so it hurts more than if you just thought it would be fine? Motherhood is like that too. If we talked about the joys instead of how tired we were - maybe it wouldn't seem so hard? Maybe then we wouldn't be martyrs of our own making?
5. Ignoring dad. Other than growing the child, birthing and breastfeeding - dad's can basically do everything moms can do. Why do we pretend this isn't true? Dad can kiss boo-boos. He can give baths, change diapers, drive you to soccer, cook dinner, make ponytails.... Why is his calling to be a parent less than mine? Why does Walmart not have a "Father of the year" award that includes a makeover? Oh right, because only Mom becomes frumpy and tired after having kids.
I will rave and rave about my husband as a father. He is truly the "modern dad." D would love to stay at home with the kiddos, but he owns a business and literally makes 3 times the amount of money that I did when working. Right now, he is working his ass off for our family. Yes, he isn't here for the 8-4 shift with the kids. Instead, he is bringing home the bacon so I can be here for that shift and you know, feed the kids. He LOVES being Daddy. Today, was a particular shitty one for him at work. He snuck home at lunch for a quick visit because he needed to be cheered up. Our 2 yo cried at the door because she didn't want a Daddy to go to work. This is the text I got when he went back to work, "I'll tell you those hugs from my little girl sure make the rest of my shit days seem pretty irrelevant. She's a sweet kid, couldn't love her any more! Love you too..." He rubbed my back during pregnancy and dealt with my crazy train of hormones. He was there for my labors and births. It was him who first held our daughter after the c-section. During my labor with our son, it was him that held my legs up during pushing and told me I was doing great. It was him that carried on like nothing happened when I barfed on him during both labors. During restless nights, he takes over and sends me to sleep as he snuggles our babies. He changes diapers, makes sure there is milk in the fridge, wakes up early on weekends, plays tea party, worries when the kids have a weird cough...it is him that equal parents. It is him that gets none of the recognition or praise that I get over our sweet babies. It is Dad who is left without recognition.
I love being a mom. I really do. I understand the intention to honor women and mothers. The reality is that not all women are mothers, not all women love mothering and not all mothers are good mothers (seriously, let's stop pretending as if all moms are good moms. There are shitty moms out there. We know some of them. Their choices suck and their kids are going to suck because of it). As much as I love mothering, I love other roles I've held too. To be put on a holy pedestal because of one role and one aspect of my life - especially when that ideology ignores my partner - doesn't sit well with me.
So, this Mother's Day, while you honor the love and sacrifices of the mothers out there, lets do the greatest service to them and remember them as women outside of mothering too. Say "thank you" without putting them on a pedestal. Appreciate them for having flaws, making mistakes and still raising you to be an alright person.
And please, don't put me on a pedestal. I have horrible balance.
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